“Feel the Love” – no, this is not about the men in my life, but the way people support and encourage one another through trying times. The events in London has brought human instinct to the fore and I have spent some time reflecting on this wonderful trait of humanity– giving as opposed to receiving.
W/C 4 July 2005
Untapped inner strength
Over many years working in HR I have encountered various situations where human spirit and tenacity has been pushed to the limit, here’s a few examples:
- Janet, who’s son, James, was on active service in the Gulf war. He piloted a Sea King helicopter and was on the front line when our forces re-took Kuwait.
- Sally, who’s parents arrived at my office to tell her that her boyfriend, Conrad had committed suicide.
- Darren, who’s mother was killed in a car accident on her way to work. Darren received the news at work over the phone from his father.
- Lorraine, who’s husband, George, was seriously injured in a hit and run road accident. The Police informed her at her workplace.
- Cassie, who’s Royal Navy husband, Ben, died in a helicopter accident at sea in the Falklands war, his body was never recovered.
- Lucy, who woke up to four foot deep flood waters during an overnight torrential rain storm.
The list could go on and on, but allow me to reflect on some in particular:
Janet
Found concentrating on her work unbelievably difficult as James was her only son. Naturally she was deeply worried that he would not return alive from active service in the Gulf War, or that if he did, he might be injured or traumatised. To hope he would return fully intact physically and mentally seemed too much to hope for.
During the ensuing months I supported Janet at work by carefully monitoring her workload so as not to overload her and her colleagues all rallied around to help wherever they could. I also put her in touch with a Gulf Support Group which kept her well informed and it provided that extra comforting arm through a very difficult time.
Thankfully James returned fully intact, although he chose not to speak about the dreadful sights he had seen which involved evacuation of serious burns victims.
The support given to Janet, whilst quiet and calm, truly spoke in volumes in that people cared and wanted to share the burden of worry with her – “A trouble shared is a trouble halved.”
Sally
Her experience was totally surreal. Her parents arrived at the office, unannounced one morning. Surrounded by colleagues she was told that her boyfriend had gassed himself in his car and had died. She was only 17 at the time and just stood rooted to the spot screaming with total hysteria.
This happened back in 1983 at an office housed within an old Victorian House. The lack of security, enabled the parents to walk straight in without any intervention or guidance on cushioning the blow.
HR dexterity never ceases to amaze me, as it fell to me to calm and control the situation by simply thinking on my feet, bearing in mind my own head was reeling with the shocking news.
For us all to observe a young girl losing her first love in this way was unbelievably sad. Conrad had always suffered from depression but Sally thought her love could change that. Unfortunately she learnt in a very hard way that it is far more complicated than it ever seems.
Again Sally received full support from myself and the whole team to get her through this shattering experience.
Darren
Fresh out of University with the world at his feet and one month into his first ‘real’ job, he received a phone call at work of the worst kind. His much loved mum had been killed in a car accident on her way to work that morning.
Only half an hour before Darren had thanked her for his sandwiches, kissed her on the cheek and set off for work himself.
Having been very close to his mum, this young man really struggled to come to terms with her loss and had great difficulty dealing with his grief.
I arranged for counselling for him through Victim Support and CRUSE (Bereavement Care). Darren’s colleagues encouraged him to talk about his feelings if it helped him – nothing was taboo.
It was a long haul, but gradually Darren learnt to smile again and focused on his work. His dad also had counselling with CRUSE which brought father and son closer through this troubled time. Their local vicar also linked up with me to secure the support network around the family.
I liken these traumatic situations to a rope. Two or three strands can easily be broken. The more strands you add the stronger it becomes. We formed a very strong rope for Darren and his Dad to hold onto and they pulled through.
Lorraine
Two police officers entering the building is enough to put anyone on the back foot, but they had arrived, unannounced, to collect Lorraine to take her to hospital casualty as her husband had been victim of a hit and run accident. The poor girl couldn’t even think to get her handbag or coat, I followed her out to the patrol car with them!
Again no-one had called ahead to prepare the ground for such upsetting news, but HR has this knack of stepping in and taking control of a potentially disruptive situation!
One Police Officer offered to update me on progress so that I could communicate news to Lorraine’s colleagues to re-assure them and maintain some calm.
The Police gave superb assistance to Lorraine, she said she felt like part of one huge family as they all looked after her and George, not only on the day, but throughout the whole investigation and prosecution of the perpetrator.
It’s the little things from employers like sending flowers, and her colleagues signing a card to George for “a speedy recovery.” The sense of family was felt holistically and thankfully George recovered fully after about six months of care and physiotherapy.
Cassie
Ben was lost at sea when his helicopter had to ditch off the Falkland Islands, his body was never recovered and Cassie’s grief swallowed her up for nearly three years. She would sit at her desk and simply burst into tears.
How do you console this depth of grief and loss? We simply supported Cassie at every turn. Gradually her colleagues encouraged her to participate in events to help her learn to smile and laugh again without feeling guilty.
Some colleagues found that Cassie’s grief overwhelmed them occasionally. This is where HR played a part in maintaining the calm, encouraging empathy and extending support whenever it was needed.
Cassie eventually met a wonderful man some five years later, whom she married and they went on to have two lovely children. Ben continues to hold a special place in her heart for the brief time they shared together.
Lucy
Lucy’s plight always gives me a ‘feel good factor’ – bless! Her morning alarm went off and Lucy woke up to find her home awash in four foot deep flood waters, when all she wanted was to have her breakfast and make her way to work!
She managed to let us know what was happening via mobile phone (her landline was floating in the hallway)!
Fortunately the authorities were very well organised to help the flood victims.
Lucy’s home, after some months, was returned to a habitable state, but in the meantime she stayed with family.
Here’s the heart-warming bit – Lucy’s colleagues organised various events like cake baking, raffles etc to raise money for Lucy to re-equip her home – she had no contents insurance! Many donated bedding, towels, electrical equipment, furniture, kitchen goods – you name it – virtually everything but the kitchen sink!
Lucy loved her newly refurbished, re-equipped home and suffered our ‘watery’ jokes for quite a while, but again, the demonstration of a group of people all pulling together in the same direction is a fantastic effort.
Spreading the word
All of the above examples demonstrate how wonderful people can really be in times of trouble, which brings me back to ‘Feel the Love’. Time and time again I have seen people helping one another, it’s so restoring and to participate is even more wonderful. To give is to gain.
A Life Coach I link up with is using one of my ‘Feel the Love’ articles for his ezine this week in view of the suffering caused by the London bombings. Steve and I have linked together at this poignant and sad time in the hope we may offer some reassurance to others. Through devastation you can discover unknown inner strength and more importantly, discover the warmth and compassion of fellow human beings.
There will always be ‘bad’ people or life changing circumstances we will encounter at some time, but the important thing is not to allow anything to detrimentally change your course from what you hold most dear.
The question is who supports HR people through these difficult times? Answer – our friends and families, but more importantly, we do it because we can and we want to help. HR people calm the waters in many a storm.
On brighter and breezier notes:
Vital stats:
For all of those ‘singletons’ out there:
- Weight – 9st 10lbs (nice and steady)
- Chocolate – nil – haven’t been near my chocolate fridge for two weeks, not bad eh?
- Wine – five glasses of red wine, dancing and singing along with the G8 concert – rock on Pink Floyd!
- Deep thoughts – It’s nice to focus on happy memories because smiling uses more face muscles!
<li.Boyfriends – two dates – first date – drive in the countryside with Charles (the Veterinarian/Farmer). No bumpy fields this time, but found two lovely pubs en route. Back at his place I helped feed a two week old Dove chick he is hand rearing – its parents were attacking it! So cute, it sat in the palm of my hand – ahhhh!
2nd date – Sunday lunch with Marcello, big problem though. His Italian passion has overtaken him and on my return home he bombarded me with 12 calls (yes, one every five minutes) and three texts in one hour, declaring his love for me and planning our future life in his “nest” in Italy. It’s strange because he didn’t say a thing over lunch! Felt like I was being stalked. Have brought the friendship to an end for well being of all concerned. I think he has realised his ‘heavy’ mistake, but too late. He is not my Darcy!
Keep it simple everyone and enjoy your week ahead!
*Sue Kingston is a self-employed HR Consultant with 23 years HR experience. Sue can be contacted on T: 07966 216561 or at hr@suekingston.co.uk
More diary entries:
- Desert to Oasis
- Tribunal teasers
- Fingers in the till
- Secrets of interviewing
- Looking for Darcy
- ‘Daniel’ meets his match
- Scoring on the golf course
- Starting out
