I have always freely admitted that I am a spelling nazi. This extends to grammar, punctuation, and the written word generally. Obviously I’m prepared to make allowances for dyslexics, people for whom English is not a first language, and people who just aren’t very good at typing, but as for basic stupidity, there is no excuse. I particularly get irate when it’s something ‘official’, such as shop signs. (Round the corner from my flat, for example, is a shop that proclaims to be a ‘homoeopathic’ shop. Is this an indication of the sexual preferences of the owner, or just their low level of literacy? You decide).

In my job, I see shedloads of examples of rubbish writing, mainly on the CVs and job applications that land on my desk every day. (Incidentally, you’d be amazed at the number of ways people attempt to spell ‘curriculum vitae’.) Some of the information people think will get them a job is unbelievable. Below are some examples from my personal collection of so-bad-they’re-funny fave CVs & application letters. These are all genuine. Seriously. Makes you weep…

·         “I was employed dipping anything in metal in baths of silver chemicals for resilvering, and someone was putting Swarfega in my good shoes so in the end I walked home in my work shoes.”

And from the same CV..

·         “I worked in a bakers shop with the late Norman Evans in the High Street,I did not like his brother, and the customers were sometimes complaining about me not putting enough jam in the donuts.”

·         “I…have developed a weighed rang of retail and administrative skills”

·         “You don’t know me, I realise. But I just have to write to you. I know you will find what I am about to tell you hard to believe, but it is true. I am a computer. And my name is Eddy. In a moment you will read about my human owner Tony in the attached letter for your advertised position.”

·         “If you have ever wanted a stampede, the driving of hordes of new clients… and business your way- with the explosive velocity of a herd of buffalo. Then you will realise this letter of interest to you.”

·         “Other qualifications and experience go as far as order in and out organisation. key board skills am quick to learn the full acknowledgement of company proceedings. I would appreciate your fair consideration in may be offering an arranged meeting with you to discussing the opportunity to allowing me to prove myself.”

·         “Are there any vacancy’s, within the IMFORMATIOM TECHNOLOGY Department. If there is a requirement for a person to unload vehicles with new equipment, or dispatch them. Move Computers, IT equipment, and associated items, around buildings, or Inter Office moves. Also to convey such items to satellite buildings, that are apart of the company. I would be most interested.”

·         “DETAILED DESSCRIPTION

Receptionist

… I am like the spider in the net, so to speak.”

·         “I am writing in hope would you me have a jounyer position at the end of my studyies”

·         “In the previous incarnation of this letter, which you may have received, I commented that I was totally computer illiterate. However I am now at least able…to summon up the jobs menu, and then the page showing the first likely job – alas beyond that when I try to get back to the menu, I find, either, a page telling me I am locked out, or, an equally immovable page informing me that the job page I looked at may not have been genuine because it had not been encrypted – so I revert to the jobs on the cards on the jobcentre display boards.”

·         “Matial Studies: Single”

·         “Examination Taken: Wordprocceing, Business Amanstration. Rsa Clair. This I taken an examination on it, which I passed it.”

·         “I like people and get on well with them, but am unsentimental in dealing with them. … I make every effort to help the genuine cases; however, if neither they nor I can resolve their problems, they have to go.”

·         “If your kind self have to chosen me suitable and qualified to work in your esteemed organisation, I will not be stepped-back from the job appointed to me else-hardworking and shall try to do my job with whole-hearted curosity.”

What are these people on??!! Needless to say, none of this lot got an interview – I sent polite rejection letters, although it was hard not to send them their applications back covered in red pen. Although maybe I should be sending them to whoever is responsible for the education system that is churning out these illiterates with negative IQs! Not too sure what to do about the ones that just seem to be on another planet though…