Relationships can be the most exciting part of business especially when you meet a new client who not only really needs your product, service or expertise but wants it because they feel you understand them and the issues they face. But relationships can also be the most challenging part of our lives. The more you look at all the claims going through Employment Tribunals, the more you find that about 95% of them have the breakdown of a relationship as the initial cause of the problem.
What I love most about the work I do is having the opportunity to get to know and understand people; their needs, wants and aspirations. Growing up as a Dutch kid in Ireland in the 1960s was a rather strange experience. I looked pretty much the same as my peers and we shared the same Dublin accent but once I went through the front door of my house I was in a different world. I never really noticed that two languages were being spoken. I never had to consciously learn Dutch, I just grew up speaking it. I also didn’t hear that my mother and father spoke with a heavy Dutch accent. If my friends teased me about way my folks spoke I just dismissed it; "That’s simply not true – they don’t sound like that!". They certainly didn’t sound like that to me. I honestly couldn’t distinguish that they didn’t have Irish accents until I was in my late twenties and I heard a recording of them speaking. Somehow that objectified the sound of their voices and I could clearly hear a strong Dutch accent! It made me smile and realise that my friends were right all along, my brain had simply not registered it.
Separated by a common language
I was recently talking to my wife Pam (she’s originally from the outer suburbs of Detroit, Michigan) and we were laughing about how we are sometimes separated by a common language. And that’s the point – we often assume that just because we speak the same language we can all understand each other. But it’s never that simple is it? Understanding is not only making sense of the accent someone has or the words they use, but noticing the context of what they are saying from their point of view. It is about seeking to understand why they are using those particular words in that particular way and the mental maps they must have for them to speak that way.
However, this takes considerable conscious effort and for many people it is simply too difficult, because it requires us to completely drop our own agenda and our own need to be ‘Understood’. It takes too much energy to translate what others are ‘trying’ to say into ‘our language’. Most of the time, we are not even aware that we have a completely personalised vocabulary of verbs and adjectives, labels and jargon that make up our own personal language. It is in fact unique to us and we use our personalised choice of words to express our experiences and how we see the world. We tend to act as if everyone should understand our language and translate their own gibberish for us . . . in other words "if you don’t understand me that’s your problem, you must be deficient in some way, after all we are both speaking English!"
Have you ever thought any of the following?
" . . . but you don’t understand . . . that’s not what I meant!"
" . . . but I told them . . . more than once!"
" . . . if they only understood what I was going through . . . then . . . "
Why we sometimes reject a helping hand
I recently had an MD who was discussing all the business issues she had with her Operations Director and she described it as being like swimming in a swamp full of alligators. Let’s call the MD Mary and the Ops Director Pat. There were some issues between the Directors; mainly that Mary the MD had a perception that Pat was not supportive. All she perceived was criticism and negativity, especially in regard to the innovative or creative thinking required to resolve the problems the business was facing (the alligators). In fact Pat was being genuinely helpful by pointing out all the areas where things may go wrong and highlighting all the risks, in order that Mary could make better-informed decisions.
When we got talking about it, Mary mentioned that instead of feeling supported by Pat she felt attacked at every turn. Needless to say this was not doing their relationship any good! When we explored the metaphor of the alligators and the swamp they both had an insight. The way Pat saw it was that he was holding out a branch to help Mary out of the swamp, but Mary saw it as Pat trying to beat her with the branch and therefore rejected any approach! Once they realised this they were able to agree a new approach to brainstorming and problem-solving that fully respects their different viewpoints.
Seek first to understand
How many times have you said something quite specific (in your mind) to a group of people and yet half of them walk away with a completely different message! Perhaps they didn’t get the message because they weren’t able to see it from your point of view. Perhaps you didn’t get the message across because you didn’t communicate it from their perspective. The 5th habit in Steven Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People says "Seek first to understand, then to be understood". What do you need to do more of to better understand the people you work with? What do you need to do to better understand your partner? If we want to get someone from ‘A’ to ‘B’ we need to go to ‘A’ and pick them up so they come along with us. If we just shout over from ‘B’ it may be too big a leap for them. This can lead to them not seeing the relevance of what we are saying, misinterpreting it or they may just ignore us!
Whilst it may be a stretch, why not make a point of listening to what lies beneath the surface of what people are saying to you, and notice the difference in how they respond. What will it take for you to go to where they are at, and fully understand things from their perspective? How could you adjust what you are trying to say so that it fits better with the way they see the world? This is the key skill required to influence others.
Our language and behaviour is driven by deep motivational traits and there are a number of default traits that people have as they progress from a level of being totally unaware of a new task or skill to a level of mastering it. The better you can diagnose what level they are at, the better you can adjust your language and behaviour or management style to ensure you meet their needs and help them develop and progress more rapidly.
I’m curious about what some of your greatest relationship challenges might be. It could be a relationship with difficult clients, challenging members of your Board, staff, peers or even your line manager. Drop me a line with a brief outline of the issue so I can anonymously address your concerns in future blogs just Click Here.
Remember . . . Stay Curious!
With best regards
David Klaasen
www.InspiredWorking.com
David Klaasen is director and owner of the niche HR consultancy, Inspired Working Ltd. (www.InspiredWorking.com)
We now have a new website packed full of learning resources for managers for more info see www.InspiredWorkingonline.com
If you have a communication or performance problem and would like some objective advice drop him a line at info@InspiredWorking.com.
