In modern workplaces, difficult relationships and conflict may seem more prevalent than before. When we’re struggling to engage with our manager or teams, the core problem is often ineffective communication and poor listening habits. It’s easy to think that the key is to adjust what or how we communicate. But what if the real solution is actually to speak less?
Listening – genuine listening – can be transformative for leaders and their organisations. Kathryn Mannix, in her book ‘Listen’, describes listening not just as a skill but as a transformative leadership practice that can reshape team dynamics and performance.
The Center for Creative Leadership found that empathetic leadership, with listening as a core attribute, is positively related to job performance, particularly among middle managers and above.
Other research shows that when we are in conversation with a ‘good’ listener we feel less anxious, more self-aware, and have greater clarity on our views. This in turn, makes us likely to share our views with others.
Bad listeners are often oblivious to their weakness
When asked ‘Are you listening?’ most leaders would respond with an empathetic ‘Of course’!’. They might point to the 1-2-1s they are having with their team members, or the town hall meetings they set up to give people a chance to share their views. However, the impact intended doesn’t always match the impact felt by the team. Perception matters, and if perception is that we aren’t truly listening, then it’s important to address this.
Getting listening right means we show that we value people and their contributions and that we care. It contributes to psychological safety and models the behaviours we’d like to see in others. There’s also the added benefit of gaining valuable insights we might have otherwise missed. Adam Kahane, author of Collaborating with the Enemy, says “Open listening enables us to discover options that are not yet apparent.”
Five barriers to to good listening habits
Effective listening skills underpin genuine communication and buildtrust in relationships. However, several common habits can undermine our ability to listen effectively:
1. Listening with the intent to reply
Stephen R Covey, a well-known author and businessman said “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply. They’re either speaking or preparing to speak”.
When we focus too much on formulating our response, we diminish our capacity to really listen and absorb what the other person is saying.
2. Assuming we already know what they will say
It’s easy to fall into the trap of cursory listening, where we engage superficially believing we already know what the other person will say. This assumption can lead to us missing the true message or important nuances in the conversation.
3. Avoiding what we don’t want to hear
Sometimes, self-protection and defensiveness can prevent us from fully listening. By only partially listening we can avoid engaging with information that challenges our perceptions or makes our lives more complicated. But this comes at the risk of limiting our own growth and the development of our relationships.
4. Body language that betrays us
Body language and eye contact play significant roles in how we are perceived as listeners. On video calls, maintaining eye contact is crucial. Looking away, even unintentionally, can signal a lack of interest. In in-person interactions, our posture and gestures also play a critical role in conveying attentiveness.
5. Digital distractions
Notifications from emails, messages and other digital platforms can easily divert our attention. When we’re on a video call the temptation to multi-task – such as checking emails or browsing on our phones – can be strong. However, this divided attention doesn’t usually go unnoticed and can detract from the quality of the interaction. Even in face-to-face conversations having our phones nearby reduces the perceived quality of our interactions and can make it seem like we aren’t fully listening.
Five ways to build better listening habits
It’s important to visibly demonstrate that we are truly listening, especially when the stakes are high. Here’s how to do that:
1. Listen closely
While this might seem obvious, it’s harder to do in practice. Rather than listening with the sole intent to reply, avoid rushing to judgement and focus on understanding the other person completely before forming your response.
Pay attention not just to the words (and what’s not being said), but also to the emotions, body language, tone of voice, and pace of speech – they all offer clues to what’s really going on. Julie Starr’s The Coaching Manual outlines four levels of listening: Cosmetic, Conversational, Active, and Deep Listening. This framework can help us gauge how effective our current listening style is and identify a path to improve our approach.
Behavioural scientist Erin Eatough outlines another seven types of listening for us to consider.
2. Get used to silence and don’t interrupt
Resist the urge to fill silences or interrupt. When we hold back, we give the other person more time to think and express themselves fully. While this might feel uncomfortable at first, it’s a valuable skill to develop.
3. Actively show you are listening
Listening is an active process, not a passive one. Use nonverbal cues like eye contact, facial expressions, nodding along with verbal cues to show you are listening.
Summarising what was said, mirroring body language and tone, and asking relevant questions all show that we are both listening and understanding the other person’s perspective.
4. Avoid multi-tasking
We might think we can multitask effectively, but in reality, we can’t. Focus entirely on the conversation at hand.
5. Act on what is being said
Arguably the most impactful way of improving the perception that we are listening is to take action based on what we’ve been told. The Center for Creative Leadership found that people felt twice as listened to when their leader took action in response to their input.
Final thoughts
In today’s fast-paced workplaces, where conflicts and challenging relationships can be more common than ever, effective listening is not just a nicety– it’s a necessity. True listening can transform leadership and team dynamics and create a culture of trust and psychological safety.
Make a start on your journey to better listening by taking these two steps.
Step 1: Reflect on your listening habits
Take a moment to assess how often you truly listen versus prepare to reply. Identify one habit to work on, like minimising interruptions or focusing on the speaker.
Step 2: Ask for team feedback
Seek feedback from your team on how well they feel heard. Use their input to make small, actionable improvements in your listening approach.
Interested in this topic? Read Five deep listening skills to help navigate workplace conflict
