Emma Ranson Bellamy looks at the causes of low and high self esteem and sets a five minute test to evaluate levels of self-worth revealing just what can be done to raise the bar when needed.

I have spoken to a number of coaches about the role of self esteem. Not one of them had experienced a client who had gone to them with self-esteem problems but they all said that the coaching had facilitated a recognition of a lack of it.

So what is it, where does it come from, do I have enough of it, how do I recognise it in others and what can I do today to raise my self esteem barometer?

What is self esteem?
The Coaching and Mentoring International (formerly UKCLC who I have been studying with) say: “The impression we hold of ourselves which, consequently, influences all of our experiences in life. Self esteem reflects how we think about ourselves and the value we assign to ourselves as people. These thoughts may be positive, e.g. “I am intelligent and capable” or negative, e.g. “I am stupid and useless.”

The issue of self-esteem was raised in a recent coaching session with an individual who uncovered the issues when I asked him to describe the people he regarded in the organisation as ‘high flyers’.

He gave them attributes that he regarded as high self esteem characteristics such as ‘Saying the right thing, looking the part, always delivering what they say, always being on time, always looking like they know what they are doing.’

How do I recognise self esteem in others?
Self esteem may enrich your life, it can make you feel good about yourself, increase your sense of belonging, boost feelings of security, energise you and make you feel empowered to face new challenges, give you confidence and fill you with the courage required to take enough risks to push boundaries with an innate belief that success is yours for the taking.

Conversely those with low self esteem are ‘troubled by life’, they have feelings of paranoia, feel they are not worthy, not clever enough, worry that they don’t belong to a peer group and fear company and relationships. People with low self esteem have no energy, see things from a negative point of view, a half empty perspective, they see problems, obstacles and have a limited comfort zone and so need not go very far to push the barriers.

Where does it come from?
Self esteem originates in the beliefs system. If you have been told positive things about yourself and genuinely believe them to be true due to your own experiences then you will have a high self esteem. If this is the opposite, if you have been told negative things and believe these to be true as your experiences have verified these beliefs you will have a lower self esteem.

In my clients experience those individuals with the attributes already mentioned have those beliefs about themselves, which is backed up by those around them. The circle continues, esteem stays high. My client on the other hand does not necessarily feel or think the opposite, he just doesn’t have a particularly high opinion of himself at all and neither do those around him. Self fullfilling prophecy!

Here’s a quick five minute test. Write 20 statements about your self, the first 10 being ‘I am’ the second 10 being ‘I am not’. (I’ll tell you what it all means at the end and where on the self esteem spectrum you fall.)

Raising your self esteem
People with high self esteem use language in the positive. They say ‘challenge’, rather than ‘problem’, ‘I won’t’ rather than ‘I can’t’, ‘I could’ rather than ‘I should’. They are totally responsible for their actions rather than being a victim of circumstance, they look back only to learn lessons for the future from the past rather than dwell on what ‘coulda’, ‘shoulda’, ‘woulda’ been if only they had done xyz.

Look at the language you use. Make it a priority today to only use words and phrases that empower you, listen to yourself and your colleagues. Our subconscious mind will do its best to do exactly what we ask it to do. With this in mind you could also try affirmations. This is a way you can re-programme the mind to do not only what you tell it (it will do that anyway) but what you want it to understand (there is a difference.)

Imagine a child running near a swimming pool, if you stay ‘stop running’ or ‘don’t run’, the child will probably continue to run. This is because the subconscious does not understand the negative. If on the other hand you say ‘walk’ or ‘slowly’ you will no doubt have more luck. Affirmations are always in the positive and the present such as: ‘I am a non-smoker’, ‘I know what I am doing’ and ‘always deliver my promises’. Say that to yourself every morning when you arrive at your desk after another bad journey and see what effect it has on the way you feel about yourself and others feel about you.

So do you have enough of it?
How many of your ten ‘I am statements’ were positive? For example: ‘I am a good friend’, how many of them were factual and needed no effort to think of them? ‘I am a mother’, how many represented achieved goals i.e. ‘I am a home owner.’. If the majority of your statements were positive and goal attributed then your self esteem is high. If you have more than five that are negative: ‘I am lazy’, ‘I am always late for meetings’, ‘I am inpatient etc’, you have a tendency for low esteem.

What about the ‘I am not’ statements? If you were unable to complete them all this is a good sign and shows that you actually find it hard to consistently think negative thoughts about yourself. If you were able to complete some of them and they reflect things that you have not done which you would have liked i.e., ‘I am not a mother’, ‘a home owner’ or ‘a board director’ then you need to see what is stopping you from getting the things you want. Finally, are the final statements negative or statements of fact: i.e. ‘I am not boring’, ‘I am not stupid’.

Self esteem is ever present in everything we do. It ebbs and flows through you and can be effected by your self and others to both positive and negative advantage. No matter who we are, what level in our careers or personal life we have attained, we can all do with a bit of self esteem checking. As Adlai Stevenson said: “It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse!”

Emma can be contacted at emmarb@blueyonder.co.uk

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