Colleagues we find ‘difficult’ may simply hold values that differ from our own and yet which are equally valid. When motives clash, conflict feels personal and relationships are harmed. Still, as I wrote in Difficult colleagues: Relationships with people who think differently, self-awareness and understanding may restore order.
It’s important to begin with the assumption that a person is acting according to his or her reasonable values. For example, while we may wish to follow due process or consider the impact on others, a colleague may have an equally strong desire to move quickly from A to B. Explore motives first.
Four examples of bad behaviour at work
At other times, people may not think differently but act badly. Bullying and gross misconduct aside, such bad behaviour is likely a failure to uphold workplace norms.
To act badly may mean:
- Falling short of the conduct expected by wider society
- Not living agreed values or other corporate standards
- Refusing to help out – an organisation is pointless if people cannot work together
- A manager neglecting the basics of leadership
Colleagues whom we see as difficult either do not cooperate or interact in unacceptable ways.
How to get rocky relationships back on track
What can we do to bring the relationship, and work, back on track? Consider the ideas below as a sequence of steps, to become unstuck with the least friction.
Recognise personal agency
A relationship invariably has two sides, even where any failure seems due mainly to the actions of one individual – almost always the other one! Recognise your agency to influence others and shape outcomes (at least at work).
You cannot single-handedly solve the problem of a ‘difficult’ colleague, but you can avoid aggravating the issue through ongoing self-reflection and curiosity.
Understand the other’s priorities
When cooperation falters, difficult colleagues may simply be pursuing other goals. Given limited time and resources, one colleague’s need for the end-of-year report takes second place to another colleague’s demand for a new marketing plan.
Consider the other person’s priorities and involve them in a dialogue about what you each need from each other to get your work done.
They may ignore yet another email reminder from you, but they will likely be open to giving you time to talk.
Consider the other’s anxiety
Cooperation often falls when anxiety rises, causing people to operate in more insular ways. This may occur when the organisation or industry is undergoing change, or when the economy is under pressure. Societal disquiet may also contribute to individuals’ stress and anxiety.
In times of anxiety, invite a chance to talk about worries and bond through the shared experiences of the workplace. Teams that successfully navigate troubles can emerge stronger.
Likewise, see how personal difficulties – such as worries at home – may cause a person to communicate less or to struggle to engage.
Consider the other’s anxiety and try a gentle conversation.
How to confront bad behaviour
How do we deal with colleagues who persist in neglecting basic responsibilities or who repeatedly indulge in unacceptable behaviour? Before running to HR or a manager, think about these options.
Explain the impact of the bad behaviour
Consider the example of poor managers. Many are promoted because they perform well in technical roles such as sales or IT. Rarely are individuals given training in how to lead team members to high performance or to help colleagues navigate change.
A bad manager causes great harm. Still, everyone can and should learn.
When facing an absent or poor manager, express how their approach affects you as an individual and how it undermines your work. Be candid and open to dialogue about how to work together in partnership.
Also, consider that a manager may be unsettled by pressures unknown to team members.
Reset expectations
When colleagues are made aware of how their actions badly affect others they may feel compelled to reflect and change. For many, however, this is not enough. In this instance, clarify expectations about how you need a person to work and interact with you.
Appeal to societal and workplace norms and set out reasonable personal preferences. Avoid anger, which weakens moral authority and makes resolution harder. Set fair and reasonable standards in a robust yet respectful voice. Invite questions and seek commitment.
Avoid email, except perhaps to record what is agreed.
Secure personal support
While it helps to be understanding of others, remember that ‘difficult’ colleagues may harm our performance, engagement and wellbeing. When a relationship continues to be problematic, seek support from others.
Venting to friends is cathartic, yet may provide only short-term relief. Instead, seek support from a mentor or qualified professional to help shoulder the burden. Whining to other colleagues over a bottle of chardonnay may feel good, but political and other risks mean this is not advised.
Tap into institutional resources
If your relationship efforts prove ineffective, it may be time to involve a manager or HR expert. But do bear in mind that invoking institutional resources such as ‘a word from the boss’ or a formal performance management process may not bring an amicable resolution; consider this a last resort.
Proceed with care
There are many reasons why colleagues might be difficult to work with, some more understandable than others. But no one thrives unless connected to others via productive workplace relationships, so these situations are unsustainable.
When things go wrong, start with an open mind, invite dialogue to pare down the problem, and seek a resolution that benefits both sides.
At the same time, remain mindful of self-care and know how to hand over responsibility, if the time comes.
