Listening. It’s a doddle. I’ve done it all my life, haven’t I? Well that’s what I thought, until I entered coach school and what I learned has managed to transform all my relationships; in this second article in a new series, fledgling life coach Emma Ranson Bellamy learns that talking is only one aspect of the communication game.

As a sales person and of late a sales trainer I have taught the benefits of listening. Most of my trainees will pay lip service to this and though they chuckle at the, “You have two ears and one mouth, use them to that ratio” pep-talk. They know that the real skill is in the talking, that’s why they got the job in the first place as their ‘gift of the gab’ had been recognised.

Henri Nouwen, the catholic priest and spiritual healer who counted amongst his many fans Oprah Winfrey and Hilary Clinton, said that listening was, “The highest form of hospitality.”

In this busy world where there is little original thought maybe we have lost the skill for really listening. When I managed a team of people I prided, and even boasted, that I was able to talk on the phone, formulate an e-mail, listen to at least half a dozen conversations as well as keeping my radar on alert for passing ‘big cheeses’ wandering around who I could impress with my magnificent communication skills.

Multi tasking has come at the expense of quality communication and the first to go is listening and I guess so has that hospitality that Henri spoke of.

It’s a social cliché, standing around talking to an acquaintance at a cocktail party, you were introduced to but can’t remember their name. You can’t really hear what they are saying as the music is too loud and anyway, you are also trying to eaves-drop on the conversation next to you and are rather obviously looking over their shoulder to see if there is someone more influential, handsome or amusing you could talk to. Not listening, not listening, not listening and not listening.

I have re learnt the art of listening, and it has been a real eye (as well as ear) opener.

Listening is the forgotten partner of communication. As a coach, unless I have totally put all other thoughts of shopping, kids and maintenance payments out of my head how will I know what question needs to be asked next to enable the client to find their own way towards their goals.

During a ‘normal’ conversation there will be a ‘trade’ of information. I speak, you nip in with something from your past that is relevant, I come back in again with something else, no doubt to add to what I said before you interrupted me, and so on and so on until the talking tennis match comes to an end or we run out of time, energy or personal and relevant anecdotes.

A coaching conversation is very different, The coach enters the conversation with a blank canvas showing no bias, preference or opinion on anything. A coach will approach it from the coachee’s perspective. After all this is not an advice shop, a coach is not going to tell you what to do.

I found this extremely difficult. I was one of those ‘giver’s of unsolicited advice’. It did not matter to me if my victims were listening or needed the advice I was about to impart, I couldn’t help myself, I wanted to share my knowledge as I was convinced I could help. It was irrelevant that my opinion on the matter at hand had not been asked for.

This is very annoying, as the poor woman who called me a few years ago for a nanny reference will testify. After I told her all she wanted to know about the nanny’s time keeping, laundry skills, sickness record etc. I divulged every piece of advice I could possibly think of from nipple cream to teething granules to what books I could recommend about babies sleeping patterns.

I can imagine that the lady was rather taken aback and she probably scrubbed me from the list of reliable referees.

I’d offered an honest account borne out of a desire to help and communicate with an individual who was experiencing a situation I had been in.

But just as it was inappropriate for me to share that information without asking, it was also impertinent and to my knowledge irrelevant. It did nothing to help or serve anyone, and it went a long way to making me look a bit of an idiot.

A coach is there to listen, and no doubt those against coaching will say that, that is what psychologists do but they trained for several years to master a Freudian or Jungian theory. The key difference between a psyco-analyst and a life coach is that we don’t listen so we can solve the problems a subject may have from their past, a coach comes into a conversation assuming that the situation is just as it is and it is for the subject to work out for themselves whether it was because they were not loved enough by their mother or because they were smacked as a child or not as the case may be.

The listening aspect is not for the benefit of the coach but the coachee. The silence at the other end of the line will not be broken by the coach nipping in with more information or for suggestions as to ‘why’. It will only be intervened when the ‘dumping’, the stuff that needs to come off the chest, has been disposed of.

Only then it will be answered by a question which may well lead to a further ‘dumping’ opportunity but will also move the coachee one step closer to solving the problem for themselves.

I said that listening has transformed my relationships. I now notice when others are not listening to me and I actually find that I talk much less and gain much more information. This in turn gives me the insight or maybe it is the intuition to ask the questions which are required for the coachee to move one step closer to the answers they look for.

The ten things I now do in regards to listening that I did not do before I began my journey as a coach include:

• 1. Prepare myself mentally before every call




• 2. Focus purely on the person I am speaking to




• 3. Focus on what is not being said as well what is being said




• 4. Have total respect and interest for what is being discussed




• 5. Have no opinions on the subject matter at all




• 6. I feel what it is to be like them




• 7. I show clarity in my own thinking




• 8. I’m able to clarify their muddled thoughts without changing the meaning




• 9. I’ve learnt how to leave a topic and move on




• 10. I’m more comfortable with silence

I’ve also learn it’s ok to interrupt a coachee when they’ve gone off the point, which sounds like a contradiction but it’s vital that I can assess this and help steer them back towards achieving their goal.

This week I will focus even more on my listening skills and report back. I’m also exploring ways to make close associates and contacts feel like they are being listened to. Try it for yourself and see what happens.

Emma can be contacted at emmarb@blueyonder.co.uk

Other articles in this series: