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Laura Haycock

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Would you say you’re too polite – or too pushy?


Our view of politeness is associated with not acting in a selfish or over-domineering style. People who are pushy are often perceived as being rude and arrogant, while people who are over polite can be seen as a push-over.

Straying too far in either direction can disrupt productivity and negatively impact on the business.

How our views on politeness impact UK business leaders

Often there is a tendency to act in a way that is too passive or “soft” for fear of upsetting anyone. People are regularly promoted for their ability to be polite and nice, but this can become a trap.

It means when an individual finds themselves in a more senior position and having to manage others, they can often struggle to make difficult decisions or feel inhibited and guilty about giving orders. At worst they can fail to challenge others on unacceptable behaviours which negatively effects the business.

Research by online expenses management provider webexpenses reveals that two-thirds of UK managers have difficulty being assertive even though more than three-quarters believe that excessive politeness impacts their business.

Everyday issues that managers typically avoid tackling out of politeness includes: poor time-keeping and unjustified absence from work, theft or fraudulent expense claims, bad behaviour and poor performance. Whilst not life-threatening for most businesses, repeated avoidance of such issues can lead to an escalating problem which can cost businesses money and time.

Is politeness a double-edged sword?

However, in recent years, and at the other end of the scale, we have seen the impact that workers politely staying quiet can have in a number of scandals within the financial industry. The collapse of Lehman Brothers in 2008, widely considered the catalyst of the financial crisis, was in part due to people internally not wanting to speak out against risky business behaviours.

Such behaviour was allowed to go unchecked and ultimately resulted in whole banks collapsing and sending economic shock waves around the world.

But what does assertiveness really mean?

Being assertive isn’t an open invitation for leaders to become mini-dictators. If managers go too far and act in a way that is aggressive or rude, this can be equally counter-productive.

Research at the University of Columbia shows that the relationship between assertiveness and performance follows an inverted-U [PDF]. As assertiveness increases so does perceived success as a leader up to a peak point where its positive relationship with performance begins to tail off. Pushy people get what they want up to a point but then there is a social trade-off that starts to get in the way.

More assertive people are perceived as less likeable and this can lead colleagues to be less cooperative with them and create more conflict.

The optimum middle point will fall in different places depending on your culture. In countries such as in Russia, with a high power-distance (the distance between leaders and their workforce) and high uncertainty-avoidant culture, leaders are expected to give clear unequivocal orders and be more hierarchical, so the optimum point falls at a higher level. However, in Britain, we have a stronger preference to be consulted, and to explore different options.

That doesn’t mean UK leaders should always dampen down their assertiveness in every situation. The challenge for UK managers is finding when it’s right to challenge others and when it’s best to give way. 

The right solution for the right situation

Under time pressure, a leader may need to give quick straightforward orders and be “bossy”. However, on another day, in order to empower and motivate the team they might collectively brainstorm a new solution to a problem. Most situations call for a combination of both approaches: being both clear and firm whilst being polite.

If, for example, there is an apparent anomaly on someone’s expense claim, it would be right to raise the issue and clarify the company’s rules and expectations but without using anger or blame and assuming is was a deliberate act.

A difficulty in getting the right balance of “politeness” or “pushiness” is that we each have our own personalities. Some of us are naturally more dominant and controlling and are others more agreeable or more emotionally sensitive. Whatever our natural default style, we all need to learn how to flex assertive behaviours in the right way and at the right time to find that optimum middle ground.

For business leaders and managers looking to flex more assertive behaviours, I recommend the following tips:

  • Quick: act before a problem escalates or it becomes embedded and let others see you dealing with problems regularly and immediately.
  • Clear: ensure your expectations are unambiguous. As leader it is your responsibility to communicate the company’s goals and values.
  • Consistent: have shared rules and apply them to all. This avoids conflict and dissatisfaction in the team.
  • Continued: if the problem persists then restate the message. People may not readily change. Don’t use this as an excuse to give up.
  • Consequences: celebrate success but also be prepared to take action if others cannot or will not do what is required for the business.

But be sure to balance the above with a polite human touch:

  • Calm: manage your own emotions to avoid expressing unhelpful anger and blame. You may need to wait until initial frustrations subside.
  • Considerate: ask questions to understand others’ feelings and point of view so that they feel valued.
  • Compromise: accommodate the needs of others where this does not undermine your goal, to develop trust and loyalty.
  • Collaborate: ask the other person to propose a solution to empower them and share ownership of the problem.
  • Care: offer tools and training to show that however tough your demands, you’re on the same side and will provide support.

Achieving the right mix of pushiness and politeness can be difficult to achieve but once mastered, it can reap huge benefits. 

One Response

  1. This is a great article,
    This is a great article, thank you for taking the time to write and share it.

    Years of experience working for and with people, all across the spectrum from blunt/ bullying to those who evade/avoid, has shown me how key such traits are for successful leadership and management!

    However, it utterly baffles me how little effort is dedicated to getting an accurate picture of such behaviours the recruitment & selection process. Many organisations do use psychometric tools which measure motivation and attitude. However, many of such tools are inaccurate and correlate poorly with success in leadership and job performance.

    Thankfully these days, it is possible to get highly accurate insights into how candidates will lead and perform! Whether they will be blunt and rude, or whether they will avoid making decisions in certain circumstances.

    Job-centric and predictive analytics are available but sadly still not widely used, or understood, in the HR and Recruitment Professions in the UK. Here’s hoping for a change in that!!

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