Have you ever struggled to find the right response, when a friend says something problematic or outdated? I have, and I’m sure I’m not the only one.

In a recent sketch on calling out your mates, comedian Romesh Ranganathan offers a solution to this dilemma in the form of one simple, powerful and elongated word:

“Maaate”.

He implores us to use this word when we witness our friends saying or doing something problematic – whether that be a trivial thing like “getting heavily into cycling and wearing lycra in social situations” or, of greater concern, behaving inappropriately towards a woman.

The latter was the driving force behind Ranganathan’s request, which was part of the #HaveAWord campaign launched to encourage men to “use ‘maaate’ to a mate” to help tackle misogyny.

While both chuckling and commending Ranganathan’s comedic call for change, I found myself pondering whether we can apply something similar in a work setting when colleagues say or behave in a problematic way.

Psychological safety, and then some

Psychological safety is a vital ingredient in the recipe that enables employees to speak up about any form of injustice or toxicity. We need to build an organisational culture where no one gets reprimanded for calling out inappropriate or discriminatory behaviour or comments.

Language is always evolving and we need to be mindful that some of us are more in tune with what is, today, acceptable and unacceptable language.

Speaking out takes courage, however, and when someone steps over the line in a team meeting, a passing conversation, or at after-work drinks, our urge is often to pretend we didn’t hear or see it, or to politely laugh and change the subject.

Nobody wants to be the ‘PC Police’

This is especially true when the actions or words used are not overtly discriminatory but are instead sitting in the ‘grey area’.

Language is always evolving and we need to be mindful that some of us are more in tune with what is, today, acceptable and unacceptable language. Inclusion Specialist at See Change Happen, Joanne Lockwood, highlights this: “The way we describe things changes over the centuries and decades and even the last three or four months, so some people may be reading off an old script. They may be used to certain humour, certain ways of talking to their in-group, their clique.”

You may be steaming ahead with a more progressive script than a fellow colleague, but being seen as a buzzkill is a barrier to speaking up: “The big issue is that people often feel embarrassed. You don’t want to be the ‘inclusion police’ or the ‘PC police’,” Lockwood flags.

How can we overcome this and work towards creating more inclusive workplaces?

Introducing a ‘safe word’

Safe words are used in a community that sits WELL outside of the workplace context to communicate when a boundary is being crossed (or about to be).

Lockwood sees Ranganathan’s use of ‘maaate’ as a similar device that could be applied at work: “It’s almost like a safe word that you can use in your team. It’s an abbreviation for saying: ‘come on’, ‘Did you really just say that?’, ‘Can we talk about this?’”

It’s not challenging to a point where the person is going to react, but it allows them to stop and reflect.

If you have a healthy fail-safe culture, Lockwood suggests implementing a safe word within your team and deciding collectively on what that might be.

Be warned though, if you have a blame culture this approach is going to further ingrain fear. This will only work if people are open to making mistakes without reprimand, and are even encouraged to do so.

Pardon? Really?

‘Mate’ may not be the right fit as it’s informal and not gender agnostic. Romesh’s use of this word is with his guy ‘mates’ down the pub, which fits the context. You need to be mindful to use a safe word that’s inclusive of all your colleagues.

Lockwood suggests using ‘pardon’. “It’s a great word because it triggers the person into rethinking what they’ve just said.” By having it brought into the consciousness, and being asked to repeat it, it prompts the individual to reevaluate their choice of words.

Brain and Behaviour Specialist, Lynda Shaw, suggests ‘really?’ could be another option for the safe-word bank: “Depending on how you say it, it can sound disapproving or questioning. Using a single word like this enables us to gently allow colleagues to rethink what they have just said and hopefully stop the conversation from developing into something that no one will be proud of.”

Calling it out versus calling it in

Using an agreed upon ‘safe word’ within a psychologically safe team may help members of that group to learn and grow together, but it’s important to distinguish the difference between ‘calling out’ and ‘calling in’, and to ensure that your team acts with compassion.

Psychologically, impulsivity can lead to problems and even more misunderstanding. Pausing a moment to think will save a huge amount of angst and potential conflict.

Calling out is a very public form of speaking up about harmful words or actions, which has led to the cancel culture phenomenon dominating Twitter (now X) feeds over the past decade or so. Calling in, however, involves a more private conversation that feels less confrontational.

DEI specialist Shakil Butt encourages us to use the ‘calling in’ technique: “When you call out somebody, you’re going to break the relationship. Because you’re trying to name and shame them on what you think they’ve done wrong. Calling in somebody is about maintaining the relationship.”

If you do feel it’s right to say something in the moment, Butt recommends his go-to phrases are ‘that’s interesting, tell me more’, or ‘that’s interesting, why would you say that?’ These aren’t judgement statements, you are simply asking the person to expand. “It’s not challenging to a point where the person is going to react, but it allows them to stop and reflect.”

Emotions will hinder, not help

It’s also important to do this from a place of calm. If you react emotionally, Butt warns it will make the problem much worse. “Make sure that you’re controlling your breathing. It helps to counteract any adrenaline and cortisol going through your system.”

Shaw builds on this: “Psychologically, impulsivity can lead to problems and even more misunderstanding. Pausing a moment to think will save a huge amount of angst and potential conflict. The frontal lobes in the brain are involved with relevant cognitive functions such as decision-making, judgement, impulse control, emotional control and language. So taking a breath means engaging with the frontal lobes.”

Disagree, but don’t be disagreeable

If a colleague is being racist, sexist or discriminatory in any other way, this of course needs to be addressed punctually and through the right channels. As work teams navigate through the messy, ambiguous middle that is inevitable as society evolves, however, a safe word could be just the tool we need to compassionately flag questionable words or behaviour.

In a time of increasing polarisation and conflict, it’s also important to remember that while we don’t have to agree on everything, we do need to treat everyone with respect.

“It’s okay to disagree without being disagreeable,” Butt reminds us. “It’s alright that you’ve got a different worldview. Let’s talk about it. If you can get to a point where you agree, great. If not, it doesn’t mean we stop talking to each other.”

If you enjoyed this, read: Time’s up for workplace bullies: New bill to tackle bad behaviour.