Summary: HR professionals devote enormous energy to helping others thrive, but that outward focus can gradually erode their own wellbeing. Three reflective questions can help them reconnect with themselves, rebalance their purpose and build a more sustainable way of serving others.
Jacqui loves working in HR. Supporting people to become the best version of themselves gives her a deep sense of purpose.
Yet that purpose also became a source of pressure, because she was so focused on other people’s needs that she stopped noticing her own. She absorbed difficult conversations, made herself constantly available and treated exhaustion as evidence of commitment. And eventually, the work that once energised her began to drain her.
Jacqui is a composite of HR professionals the world over. Their circumstances differ, but the pattern is familiar: when you spend your working life filling everybody else’s cup, it is easy to overlook your own until it is almost empty.
The paradox of caring
HR professionals regularly encourage employees to set boundaries, seek support and protect their wellbeing. However, applying the same advice to themselves can feel strangely selfish.
This reveals a paradox. Being driven by service is valuable, but selflessness without sufficient self-care becomes unsustainable. Conversely, caring for yourself is not selfish when it preserves your capacity to care for others. The objective is therefore not to choose between selfishness and selflessness. It is to hold them in balance.
To achieve this, World Mental Health Day offers an opportunity to pause and ask three deceptively simple questions.
When you spend your working life filling everybody else’s cup, it is easy to overlook your own until it is almost empty
Question one: Who am I?
HR professionals can become defined by what others need them to be: adviser, mediator, confidant, problem-solver or steady presence during a crisis.
Jacqui had become so closely identified with being ‘the person who helps’ that saying no felt like betraying who she was. By reflecting on ‘Who am I?’, she recognised that her role was part of her identity, not its entirety.
She also acknowledged qualities she had pushed aside: her need for quiet, her creativity and her identity outside work. This gave her a more grounded sense of self, one that did not depend entirely on being useful to other people.
Practical action:
List the roles you play at work and beyond it. Then ask: ‘Which parts of me are receiving energy, and which have I neglected?’ Choose one neglected part to make space for this week.
Question two: Why am I here?
Purpose can be both sustaining and consuming.
There is a selfish and a selfless dimension to it. We want to contribute beyond ourselves, but we also want our lives to feel successful and fulfilling. Problems arise when one side overwhelms the other.
Jacqui’s purpose had narrowed into an unlimited obligation to help. She reframed it as helping people thrive while allowing herself to thrive too. The contribution remained important, but sacrifice was no longer the measure of its value.
This is a lesson I have had to learn myself. Helping others has always come naturally to me. Asking for help has not. For years, I associated self-sufficiency with strength. Recognising that I could not live or work well in isolation made seeking support part of my practice, rather than evidence that I had failed.
Practical action:
Complete two sentences: ‘The difference I want to make is…’ and ‘For that contribution to be sustainable, I need…’ If the second answer is continually absent from your working life, your purpose needs rebalancing.
Question three: How will I live?
Insight matters only when it changes how we invest our time and energy.
Jacqui stopped treating wellbeing as something she would address after the next difficult period. She built small practices into ordinary days such as protecting her lunch break, creating thinking time between emotionally demanding meetings, and having a regular conversation with someone she trusted.
She also paused before accepting new demands and asked: ‘Is this issue mine to carry?’ Sometimes the answer was yes. Sometimes the responsibility belonged elsewhere.
These choices didn’t change her level of commitment. But it did help her direct her energy more intentionally, where she became more present, made clearer decisions and supported colleagues without absorbing every problem as her own.
Practical action:
Identify one recurring situation that leaves you depleted. Decide whether to stop it, share it, shorten it or recover deliberately afterwards. Put that decision into your diary rather than leaving it as an intention.
Recognising that I could not live or work well in isolation made seeking support part of my practice, rather than evidence that I had failed
Care must include the carer
The three questions form a continuing cycle, not a one-off wellbeing exercise because our identity evolves, our purpose needs reviewing, and our daily practice inevitably drifts.
For HR leaders, reflection is therefore part of responsible practice. You are not separate from the people whose wellbeing you work to protect and so directing some of your care towards yourself does not diminish your service to others.
It makes that service more sustainable and, ultimately, more impactful.
Actionable insights
- Remember that your HR role is part of your identity, not the whole of it.
- Balance contribution to others with a clear understanding of what you need to thrive.
- Translate reflection into small, protected practices in your diary.
- Ask ‘Is this mine to carry?’ before automatically absorbing another demand.
- Treat seeking help as a sustainable professional practice, not a personal failure.
If you found this article useful, read: When positive action works (and when it doesn’t)
