Summary: Most workplace conflict training is designed for people who are already open to change – so it often misses the people who might benefit from it most. By shifting the internal narrative from ‘I can’t fix this’ to ‘What’s my next move?’, a whole world of productivity opens up.
Picture the scene. You’re running another conflict resolution workshop for employees.
The facilitator is skilled, the room is engaged and everyone nods along in agreement.
Afterwards, managers say it was really useful and give glowing feedback.
However, a few weeks later, nothing has really changed. The same tensions are quietly sitting under the surface, and you are left wondering: why didn’t it stick?.
If you recognise this scenario, you’re not alone.
Workplace conflict is common. Almost half (44 per cent) of working age adults in the UK say they experience it, and one-third say their conflict is with their line manager, according to recent ACAS research.
This leaves them feeling stressed, anxious or depressed. But they’re often unable to leave because of the current job market.
So where are we going wrong?
The problem is rarely the content. More often, it’s about what happens after the training, when people return to the same pressures, patterns and habits they’ve always had.
One helpful way of making sense of this is through the Drama Triangle.
People often slip into one of three roles when tensions rise: Victim, Rescuer or Persecutor
What is the Drama Triangle?
First developed by psychiatrist Stephen Karpman, the Drama Triangle describes how people often slip into one of three roles when tensions rise: Victim, Rescuer or Persecutor.
Once these roles take hold, conversations can quickly move away from shared problem solving and towards blame, over-functioning or frustration.
Most TV programmes are set up in this way, with a victim, a persecutor and a rescuer.
The Traitors is a great example of the Drama Triangle in action.
Contestants constantly swing between being the Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor, fearing betrayal, over-extending to protect others or manipulating to gain control.
Workplace conflict is not so different! Most of us will recognise ourselves in at least one of these roles, often more than one, depending on the day. We can all experience cycles of blame, over-functioning and frustration depending on our position in the Drama Triangle.
As the Victim, we may adopt the stance of ‘They never listen’, while as the Rescuer, we may be over-functioning to prove ourselves. And when we’re the Persecutor, we can mentally write off our boss as ‘impossible’.
The longer we stay in these roles, the more stuck and frustrated we feel.
This dysfunctional dynamic can be deeply damaging to business, negatively impacting staff motivation and productivity.
How training misses the mark
Most workplace conflict training is designed for people who are already quite self-aware and open to change. Which means, ironically, it often misses the people who might benefit from it most.
There are a number of reasons it might be missing its target.
The roles feel like identity
For people deeply embedded in Drama Triangle dynamics, these behaviours can become identities.
The chronic Rescuer experiences helpfulness as core to their self-worth. The Persecutor experiences bluntness as integrity.
Asking them to change can feel like an existential threat. Training that treats role playing as a habit to be broken isn’t the answer.
Ignoring the pay-offs
Every role in the Drama Triangle comes with a reward.
Victims get sympathy and absolution from responsibility. Rescuers get to feel needed and morally superior. Persecutors get to feel righteous and in control.
Training shouldn’t ignore these pay-offs. It needs to ask people to honestly examine what they gain from staying stuck.
Where’s the psychological safety?
The employees who most need this training are often those who feel the least safe in group settings.
A workshop is exactly the kind of high-exposure environment that triggers defensive behaviour.
People protect themselves. They say the right things. They nod along. But they’re not always able to fully engage with the learning in the moment.
The rescuer problem in HR
Many HR professionals are natural Rescuers.
They entered the field to help people, which is great. But when Rescuers design conflict training, they unconsciously structure it to be affirming and low-challenge.
They want participants to leave feeling good. The result validates rather than disrupts. It confirms rather than confronts.
The employees who most need this training are often those who feel the least safe
What actually works
Training can be extremely valuable, but it needs to go deeper and be embedded differently.
Here are seven practical ways to go beyond the workshop.
1. Start with your own place in the triangle
Before designing or delivering training, HR leaders should map their own default role.
Awareness of your own patterns is the prerequisite for helping others recognise theirs.
Self-knowledge is the foundation.
2. Name the hidden pay-off
Build space in any intervention – whether that’s coaching, team retrospective or 1:1 – for people to ask honestly without judgement: ‘What am I getting out of staying in this role?’
Rescuers fear being unneeded. Victims fear being blamed. Persecutors fear losing control. Bring that to the surface.
3. Set clearer boundaries
Over rescuing leads to burnout.
Help people identify what genuinely belongs to them to manage, and what belongs to their boss or the business.
4. Separate behaviour from identity
In coaching and conflict conversations, make it routine to address actions without assigning character.
‘That decision caused confusion’ lands better than ‘you’re impossible to work with’. Keep interactions constructive.
5. Document everything, especially upward
For employees navigating a difficult manager, records matter. Encourage this as professional clarity.
6. Lead with facts, not emotion
Workshops built on anecdote and feeling are easily dismissed. Ground your interventions in data, including behavioural evidence from your business.
7. Be mindful of bonding over blame
This is one of the most powerful cultural shifts available to HR professionals.
It can feel like bonding in the moment, but as soon as a team meeting, training room or coaching session becomes a space for collective grievance, it’s entered the triangle.
Name it, redirect it and model the alternative.
Which role is each person playing, and what would it take to change even one move?
Changing the power balance
The next time you see a team stuck in a dysfunctional cycle, try thinking like a Traitors contestant who’s just worked out the game.
Pause and ask: ‘Which role is each person playing, and what would it take to change even one move?’.
Shifting one small internal narrative from ‘I can’t fix this’ to ‘What’s my next move?’ can break a reactive cycle and open up a productive conversation.
That shift requires someone in the room who’s genuinely internalised the framework and is prepared to model it quietly, consistently and under pressure.
In teams where Drama Triangle awareness has truly taken root, you can spot it if you watch carefully.
For example, a manager who pauses before rescuing and instead asks: “What would you like to do about this?”.
Effective conflict culture works when people learn to respond rather than react.
Managing upwards becomes less about adapting and coping, and more about everyday leadership.
Your conflict training can reach those people. But it starts with an honest question: Who is this really designed for, and who might we be unintentionally leaving out?
Key takeaways
- Most workplace conflict training is designed for people who are already open to change – so it often misses the people who might benefit from it most
- Shifting one small internal narrative from ‘I can’t fix this’ to ‘What’s my next move?’ can break a reactive cycle and open up a productive conversation
- Effective conflict culture works when people learn to respond rather than react.
If you enjoyed this article, check out: The empathy gap in management: What HR needs to know
